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September 29, 2011

Finding something is ‘wrong’ with your child (or different or whatever you want to call it to make yourself feel better) requires a lot of acceptance.  If its a life threatening, life altering or just some news you weren’t expecting, you have to change your concept of them and their future.  But its not all about your child.  Its also about your entire life.  Its acceptance that Evie may never have the sort of sibling relationship I’d hope for when I dealt with two kids 18 months apart.  That my hopes for putting up with the craziness might be for nothing.  I’m not saying they won’t have a great relationship of their own kind but it probably won’t be the one I had in mind.   Nothing wrong with that but something I have to accept.  I may never have another baby.   I have to accept that Thaddeus is being born into a time of turmoil in our family.  Its not all roses and sunshine here at the moment.  I hardly ever talk or think about him. He’s in the belly. He’s ok.  Rett is the one in trouble.  This pregnancy isn’t going how I thought it would.  Something else to accept.    I saved all my clothes from both kids.  I thought I’d have another little boy and another little girl to wear them and I could comment on how cute Evie looked when she wore that dress and how I couldn’t believe Rett was ever that little. I could give Evie the sister that I never had.  Acceptance is hard.  And I don’t like it.

Acceptance seems like defeat sometimes.  It seems like giving up.. giving in.  It seems like the autism won.   But in fact.. reality won.   There are only so many hours in the day and only so much money in our bank account.  We can’t keep having kids that we have no time for because of multiple days of therapies or the camp we’d really like Rett to attend but we don’t have the money for because of his siblings.  And its a hard decision to make.  People tell me to take it one day at a time, one kid at a time. But I’m not good at that. I’m not good at looking at one day on the calendar. I like the big picture.  I like to plan. I like to know.  It helps with my control issues.

Our random beach trip is turning into the random trip to get Rett diagnosed.  And the trip that I thought was going to be about sandy beaches and just having fun with my little boy and forgetting all this crap for awhile is turning into ‘THE TRIP TO SEE IF YOU ARE AUTISTIC’.  And its not so fun anymore.  But more acceptance.

Acceptance is not weakness. Its not defeat.  Its reality.  Sometimes your strength can be realizing your weakness.  I over plan.  I’m rigid when it comes to making decision and I don’t bend very well.  I like our schedules and our plans and how things are going to be in my head.   So while I would like to take out all the girl clothes, make a huge pile and have a really long cry with a tall glass of wine (after Thaddeus is out of course), maybe I can wait.  Maybe today I can accept that I don’t have all the answers. That this may not be as scary as I think. Maybe there is more pink in our future.

As we’re finding out about Rett, I’m finding out about myself.  My strengths and weaknesses.   Where my limitations are.  Some of my limitations are further then I thought they were.   And I’m learning a lot about acceptance.  And that I still have a lot of work to do to truly accept the things that I cannot change.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. September 29, 2011 7:58 pm

    You are such a beautiful woman. Your strength and your wisdom comes out loud and clear in your words. I agree with everything you wrote, so I will leave it at that! Very well put!

  2. Ashley permalink
    September 30, 2011 1:51 am

    It will all come together and you can work on the big picture again.

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