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I lift my eyes unto the hills

November 4, 2011

I was singing Casting Crowns today. After my day yesterday I was trying to cheerlead myself into positive thinking which apparently worked because we had a great day.  I love the song ‘I will praise you in this storm’

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I don’t believe that these lyrics mean that God will take care of everything miraculously and this will all go away overnight.  But I think anyone that has a child has heard that small voice telling you exactly what was wrong when they couldn’t tell you.  It told you when they woke up from naps before you heard them.  It nagged at you until you took them to the doctor because you KNEW the fever wasn’t just a cold.. he had an ear infection.  That is the help that these lyrics talk about.

 

Sometimes there is no one there to save you.  I feel like right now I am in the storm.  And I can’t see where to go or how to get out.  I don’t know the right answers. I don’t know the best answers.  I only have that small voice.

 

I know a lot of people probably do not agree with my lack of support to turn to the public schools and put my son in preschool.   Usually the obvious answer is the right one.   But the small voice is telling me no.   I know I have trust issues and control issues and I pray that they aren’t coming between my child and a good decision.  I have often told my friends to trust decisions that come with no doubt.  That you feel secure in.  And I can’t tell you that. I do not feel secure.  I do have doubts.   So how do I know that this is the right choice for us?

 

And the answer is, I don’t.  I can not tell you that I’m doing the best for my child.  I can’t tell you that.   I have practically no training in dealing with children with autism.  But most parents who find themselves in this situation are the same.  I have almost no training in working with and teaching children under the age of six.  I am seriously regretting not doing Early Childhood at this point.   But I have a passion.  And I have determination. And I have a little boy that needs me to put my all in the decisions that I do make.  When it comes down to it, that’s all our kids need.  If you want to put your child in preschool, do it. But make sure the IEP is being met.  Make sure they are getting to school with the best possible start to the day you can give them.   Provide structure. Provide security.  Put your all in your decision.

 

My help does not come from speech pathologists. It does not come from preschools or occupational therapists.  My help comes from the Lord.  It is the small voice telling me what to do and where to push for more action.

 

I’ve read that if you’ve met one kid with autism, you’ve met one kid with autism.  And it is so true.   It is so easy to feel alone even when talking to other parents of autistic children.  Because we all have to provide different things.  Our kids all have different strengths and weaknesses.   The experts will say that your child should not be able to do X,Y and Z but yet they are.   It is a confusing and overwhelming diagnosis.   It is very frustrating to know what your child needs help with but no idea on how to help them.

 

The storm will pass.  Autism is here to stay. It isn’t going anywhere. But we will figure things out.  We will get to the place where we know Rett is getting the best we can provide for him.  We just aren’t there yet.

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