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Did I Just Punish You for Having Autism?

January 8, 2012

I hate autism.  There is power in the word hate that you cannot know until you have a child that somebody.. or some thing decides to mess with.  When I was little I hated beets.  Then when I was a teenager, I hated rainy days and what it did to my hair. But I didn’t know.  I didn’t know what it felt to be powerless against something that makes your child’s life so hard.  It is a pure hatred.


Tonight we threw a frozen pizza in the oven.  Everyone came to the table. Sissy started eating.  And we asked Rett what plate he wanted. Just like always.  And he refused to say ‘I want’.  45 minutes later, Sissy was done with dinner, fruit and dessert.   Rett was a snotty, wet mess. I told Tom to take Sis up for bath time while I continued to attempt to get my son to say I want.


Me: Which one do you want?


Me: I want robot.



I walked into our bedroom.  Crying stopped.  Returned.


Me:  Which plate  do you want?


Me: I want robot. I want wood.



I tried every trick I could muster.  Kid was not going to use his big boy words.  I told him NO bath time. NO fruit. NO cookies. WAHHHHHHHHH.  I left the room.  Crying stopped.  I went back and tried again. Still nothing.  So I put him in pj’s and put him to bed.  It was so sad when we went up. He said ‘come on, sissy. Come on!’ because Tom usually plays with them both in his room before reading and lights out.   And its so hard to know if you did the right thing.   If I punished him for not doing what he was asked to do. Or if I punished him for having autism.


I sometimes wonder if Rett has autism or if autism has us.   Because sometimes it feels like autism has its hands around the neck of our family and is trying to choke every ounce of energy, happiness and strength that we have out.  Right when things seem to be getting better,  I put my baby to bed with no dinner.  And then when Tom goes up to give him his milk and he won’t say ‘I want’ for that either, without that too.


There are some times when I feel like I know just what to do.  But those times are few and far between.  And somehow the times that I feel helpless and am just trying to make the best decision I can seem to overpower those few and far between times.   Times when you really just wish someone else could tell you the answers and what to do.  I just want what’s best for him.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Nichole Sabo permalink
    January 8, 2012 4:41 am

    I know exactly how you feel. With ny son, we had to use signs to help him let us know his wants and needs because he was non verbal. As a mom, its hard to know what decision is best. Keep strong and you’ll get through it.

  2. Jana permalink
    January 12, 2012 8:06 pm

    Your child has Autism, it doesn’t have your child.

  3. August 27, 2012 2:58 pm

    It’s okay to be angry at Autism for causing you such trouble. You need to keep all the positive sides in mind. Autism can be wonderful.

    Read: How does it feel to be autistic:

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