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Preparing for a Baby

January 17, 2012

 

I’ve been here twice before. As you can tell from the two battery operated toothbrushes in the dirty mirror in this picture.   I’ve prepared for a baby twice.

 

First child.  Its never as fun as when its the first child. I’m pretty sure I had Rett’s room completely finished by 23 weeks.  Then I would just go in and sit in it and enjoy being prepared.  We bought furniture and bedding and painted and everything was just so.  We had the sleepers and the baby shower and everything was all tucked away in his dresser, freshly washed and waiting on him.  When I went into labor at 36 weeks unexpectedly, it didn’t feel like I was ready. But I had watched my lamaze dvd and in all actuality, we were prepared.

 

Second child.  You are now chasing the first one and you’re pregnant.  Evie’s room got finished um…. 37 weeks?  I think we actually put forth good effort for the second child. No baby shower this time but we put up wall treatment and painted and I put away onesies and sleepers and got everything ready.  I was so excited for our first daughter.  Evie’s room is pink and black damask with ballerina things.  I knitted and planned out newborn photo sessions.  We watched our lamaze dvd and by the time she showed up at 39 weeks, we were prepared.

 

Third child.  I am taking my son to daily therapy. We are packing up a house to move.   When I went in for my 36 week check up and they told he had dropped and that it could be soon, I didn’t even REALLY know where the pack and play was. All the newborn things and 0-3 months and all the THINGS were stuffed in a giant box.  So I came home and forced myself (and my husband) through the motions of getting ready.  So now the pack and play is set up. I bought a first outfit to put him in.  Little sleepers and onesies and socks and hats and all things blue have come out of the attic and I am not prepared.  Because I have learned the hard lessons of motherhood.  That truthfully you are never prepared.  I did however watch the lamaze dvd.

 

Autism has robbed us of a lot of things.  And for everyone who thinks I should put some sort of positive spin on this, in my hormonal state I say screw you.  Keep your judgements to yourself. Life is hard enough with neuro typical kids but you throw in a good dose of autism and it becomes unbearable.  I often think of things that even I posting a pregnant picture of myself in panties will not share.  Because there are dark times when it washes over you. The feelings of despair.   The feelings of being overwhelmed.

 

Autism has robbed me of the birth of my son and all it should be. Because when I finally hold this precious little boy and see his face for the first time, my first prayer will be ‘God, don’t let him have autism’.  And I don’t care how normal that is.  It makes me ashamed and sad.  And then the first year of milestones will turn into the over analyzing  of  every time he should have had eye contact.  And if he’s playing correctly, hitting milestones correctly, babbling correctly.   How can I prepare for that?

 

We’ve been watching Parenthood which mirrors my life in a whole lot of ways even though its a fake show on tv and their son has asperger’s.  We recently watched the episode where the mom accidentally gets pregnant and towards the end at one of their ultrasounds the tech asks if they are sure they don’t want to know what it is.  And they say no. Because if its a boy, it has a much higher risk of having autism.  And they got a girl.  And what I’m going through is normal.  It was on tv so it must be, right?

 

I have hit 37 weeks and going strong. I think God is giving me some extra time to get my head on straight.  It honestly has just hit me that he’s about to be here, then the whirlwind of playing catch up to all the things I need to do and now sorting through my head grasping at straws of normalcy to get excited to see my son.  Not think of how impossible this seems to get Rett’s therapies started in Atlanta while tending to a new baby. Not thinking of how incredibly difficult it is already to manage my household consisting of an autistic son,  a more then likely gifted daughter and a clinically depressed husband.  I’m pretty sure the odds of this one coming out neuro typical are slim to none.

 

Life and babies are to be celebrated. Its a happy time. I just wish that it was all that they show in gerber and huggies commercials.  The truth is that I don’t have the time or energy for another child right now.   That I wish he’d just camp out in there for awhile more so that we can finish up our month of intense therapy and get more stuff sold on craigslist.  But in the end, when he comes, I’ll figure it out.  Things will continue to get done. I’ll continue to stress out about all of my kids and go through the motions that they need me to go through.  I don’t know when or if I’ll get to breathe the sigh of relief that Thad doesn’t have autism.   But it will be ok.  The one thing that keeps me going is the thought that, I did all this a hormonal mess.  Just wait till I’m back to being able to tie my own shoes and my hormones are at a more controlled level!

 

I am not prepared.  Life doesn’t care.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. January 17, 2012 3:53 pm

    Laura I think this is typical third time mom stuff, your schedule maybe different from others but the procrastination is still the same. I finished putting together, folding, and gathering, etc…all of Keiras things the day I went into labor .

    Or maybe it just runs in the family…in which case your screwed…I hope the best for you and your family, your in my prayers!

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