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Getting Real

March 13, 2015

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I used to write these emotional filled posts so people could take a glimpse into the behind the scenes of our family. Past the instagram and facebook posts and really into the hearts, mind and soul of what is happening in our story.

It is hard now.  I am emotionally exhausted.  I feel numb.  I feel like I am the last person to share words of wisdom, strength or compassion. Because I honestly feel like I am so close to being completely broken.   And I’m not even the one that got diagnosed. How screwed up is that.

I remember during past diagnosis days I had the ability to sit on the computer for hours and veg out. I could be depressed. I could zone out and check out of this life where the magnitude of my choices and decisions for these little people may change the very course and outcome of their life story.  If they get a job and support themselves or go into some sort of assisted living for adults after I die.  These are the things that hang around my neck.

But I don’t have that luxury now.  I committed to homeschooling.  I have taken on the responsibility of educating these little people. So I go through the motions and at the end of the day I only have the strength to make the effort with my body. Emotionally.. I’m done.

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I went through all his photos.  From the very first day that I had him in my living room, took one look at him and said how much he looked like Rett. Like ours.  The million glimpses into his little life here on Earth. And my heart broke a million times.  I was completely convinced Thaddeus did not have autism.  It made it that much harder to hear.

How am I doing?  I don’t even know. I am so angry.  So very, very angry. I also realize that this diagnosis makes Lachlan’s chances basically certain.  And as I feed him his baby food and see him doing the tensing thing, I know.  I will not be caught off guard again. I have no idea why this was chosen for them.  And why I was entrusted in navigating and trying my damndest to set them up for success.  It feels like a too important job for a girl that has too little experience, too little patience and too little wisdom.

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And the cycle starts again.  A thousand heart breaks for my children.  When autism doesn’t mean a death sentence but instead it brings a glaring bright question mark for the future.

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